The Official Blog of the Family Cats

DOORS:  Don't allow closed doors in any room.  To open a door, stand on the hind legs and hammer with the forepaws.  Once the door is opened, don't feel it is necessary to use it.
After arranging for an "outside" door to be opened, stand half in and half out.  Take plenty of time to think about everything.  This is particularly important during cold weather, driving rain, snow, or strong wind.  Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:  If you need to throw up, get to a chair quickly.  If you can't manage in time, an Oriental rug is a good alternative ... or a shag-pile carpet.
When throwing up on the carpet, be sure you back up enough to make the deposit just the length of a human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS:  Always accompany visiting humans to the bathroom.  It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
LITTER TRAYS:  When using the litter, be sure to kick as much of it out of the container as you can.  Humans are guaranteed to love the feel of cat litter between their toes.
HAMPERING:  If one of your humans is concentrating on some close activity and the other is idle, always stay with the busy one.  This should provide opportunities for "helping" the human, known to us cats as "hampering".  Take note of the following examples ...
SUPERVISING COOKING:  When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.  You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on ... and then picked up and comforted.
HELPING HUMANS TO READ BOOKS:  For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book.  Better still, lie across the book itself.
KNITTING:  For knitting and similar human projects, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner, obscuring as much of it as possible ... or at least the most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the knitting needles.  The worker may try to distract you, but ignore it.  Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what humans may tell you.
PAPER WORK:  For humans paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), always remember the aim - which is "hampering".  First, try sitting on the paper being worked on.  When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  When the activity is nicely under way, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.  After being removed for the second time, push pens and pencils off the table, one at a time.
NEWSPAPERS:  When your human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump onto back of the paper.  The human will probably jump too ... they love it.
COMPUTERS:  When your human is working at the computer, jump up onto the desk and walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen ... and then position yourself laying in the human's lap across the arms.  Try to hamper any typing in progress!
WALKING:  As often as possible, dart quickly across the front of the human, as close as possible to the feet.  This is particularly effective on stairs, or when they are carrying something in their arms.  For best effect, apply the maneouvre in the dark, or when they first get up in the morning.  This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:  Always sleep on the human at night so that he or she cannot move around.
HIDING:  Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans can't find you.  Don't come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.  This will cause the humans to panic (which they love), thinking you might have run away and got lost.  Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

Return to start